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  • Some nights I lie awake wondering if my wife married me for my personality or just to have someone to blame for the thermostat.
  • There's an unspoken rule in our house that whoever finds the missing sock first gets to be smug about it for the rest of the day.
  • Date night with my wife these days mostly involves deciding which show to fall asleep to first.
  • My wife's version of 'let's not make a big deal out of this' has, historically, always meant the opposite.
  • Twelve years of marriage and we've perfected the art of arguing about something completely unrelated to what actually upset us.
  • The in-laws' visit is scheduled for a whole week this year. I've already started rationing my patience like it's wartime supplies.

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