Pun Jokes

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

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She looked surprised.

Why don't skeletons fight each other?

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They don't have the guts.

I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia.

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She whispered, 'They're right behind you.'

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

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I had to put my foot down.

I'm reading a book on anti-gravity.

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It's impossible to put down.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

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I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.

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I don't know y.

I have a fear of speed bumps.

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But I'm slowly getting over it.

I used to have a job at a calendar factory.

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I got fired for taking a couple of days off.

I bought a ceiling fan and it changed my whole perspective.

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Literally, everything looks different now.

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey. Then I turned myself around.

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That's what it's all about.

I'm on a whiskey diet.

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I've lost three days already.

I told my therapist I keep thinking about the past, present, and future.

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She said that's a tense situation.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

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A fsh.

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went.

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Then it dawned on me.

I'm reading a horror story in Braille.

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Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

I ordered a chicken and an egg online.

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I'll let you know which one arrives first.

I couldn't figure out how the lock on my bike was jammed.

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Then it clicked.

I told myself I'd stop talking to myself.

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We're still working through it together.

I'm on a seafood diet.

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I see food, and I eat it.

I quit my job at the shoe recycling plant.

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It was sole-destroying.

I told my wife I was on a roll today.

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She reminded me I was talking about the bread.

The math teacher called in sick.

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Turns out she had a lot of problems.

A book just fell on my head.

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I've only got myshelf to blame.

I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I got canned.

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I just couldn't concentrate.

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places.

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He told me to stop going to those places.

I stayed at the hotel with no fourth floor.

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It really elevated my suspicions.

I tried to write a joke about paper.

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It was tearable.

I bought a new pair of running shoes.

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They're not helping, but at least I look prepared to leave problems behind.

I'm terrified of negative numbers.

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I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

I asked the librarian for books on failure.

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She said they never come back.

I got a job at the shoe store.

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It's the sole provider in the family now.

Velcro.

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What a rip-off.

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar.

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It was tense.

I used to be a personal trainer.

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I gave it up, I just didn't have the drive.

I don't trust stairs.

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They're always up to something.

I signed up for a marathon on a whim.

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Turns out enthusiasm doesn't count as training.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

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A gummy bear.

I started a book about time management.

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I keep meaning to finish it, but never seem to find the time.

I got hit in the head with a can of soda.

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Luckily it was a soft drink.

I got a job de-boning fish for a living.

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It's a lot of fillet work.

I got a job at the keyboard factory.

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Turns out I'm not the right type.

I used to be a tailor.

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I was pretty good, but I just wasn't suited for it long-term.

I got fired from the unemployment office.

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They said I wasn't fit for the position, which felt ironic.

I asked my phone why it was so slow.

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It said it needed an update, same as me.

I used to be indecisive.

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Now I'm not so sure.

I'm reading a book on the history of glue.

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I just can't seem to put it down.

I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

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I just like a good kick about.

I got a job at the pool.

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I'm the deep end of the operation.

I tried to start a compost pile.

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It's been a real turnaround for my backyard's reputation.

I bought noise-cancelling earbuds for my commute.

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Now the only thing I can't cancel out is my own thoughts.

I got a job at the shoe polish factory.

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The pay isn't great, but I really shine there.

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch.

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I call it lunch.

Two antennas got married.

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The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

I'm on good terms with 26 letters of the alphabet.

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I just don't understand why they all show up when I try to spell.

I heard the toilet paper factory closed.

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It's a real crisis, tissue by tissue.

I asked the waiter what the soup of the day was.

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He said it was Tuesday.

I quit my job at the helium factory.

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I refuse to be talked down to.

I'm not addicted to brake fluid.

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I can stop whenever I want.

I invested in stocks.

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Mostly beef and chicken, but technically it counts.

The two silkworms had a race.

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It ended in a tie.

The mountain climber finally gave up his career.

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He said it just wasn't a peak experience anymore.

I don't trust people who do puzzles.

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There's something missing about them.

I got fired from my job as a historian.

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Apparently I have no future in it.

My password needed a capital letter, a number, and a symbol.

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At this point it's less a password and more a small novel.

A cheese factory exploded in France.

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There was nothing left but de brie.

I asked the librarian for a quiet corner to work in.

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She pointed me toward the section nobody ever checks out.

I got a job as a tailor at a company that makes flags.

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Turns out I'm just not cut out for it.

I got a job selling doors.

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Business is opening up nicely.

I used to work in the mattress industry, but it just wasn't my thing.

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I like a firm decision.

I have a fear of flat-pack furniture.

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It's called Ikea-phobia.

I quit my job as a GPS voice actor.

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I just kept getting lost in my own directions.

The optometrist said my vision was fine.

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I still can't find my glasses half the time, which raises questions.

I applied for a job at the shoe department.

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It's a good fit so far, at least sizewise.

My car insurance went up after one small fender bender.

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Apparently forgiveness has a price, and it's steep.

I'm reading a book about mazes.

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I got lost in it.

I got a job as a projectionist.

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I really screen well under pressure.

I got a job as a bricklayer.

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I really built a solid foundation for my career, mostly by accident.

Somebody stole my mood ring.

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I still don't know how I feel about it.

I named my two dogs Timex and Rolex.

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Watch dogs, both of them.

Time flies like an arrow.

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Fruit flies like a banana.

A ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint.

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Both crews were marooned.

I got a discount at the calendar shop.

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My days were literally numbered, so it seemed fitting.

I got a discount on curtains.

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They were on sale, unlike my rods, which are apparently full price everywhere.

The car radio only picks up two stations now.

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One plays static, the other plays a talk show about static.

A man walked into a bar with a slab of tarmac under his arm and asked for a pint.

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He said one for the road.

I bought a thesaurus. When I got home, all the pages were blank.

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I have no words to describe how angry I am.

I asked the pet store if they had any talking parrots.

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The clerk said no, but the parrot in the back cage disagreed loudly.

I used to be a baker.

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I kneaded the money, but I couldn't rise to the occasion long-term.

I told my friend ten jokes to make him laugh.

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Sadly, no pun in ten did.

I opened a small business selling origami.

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It folded within a year.

I bought a broken barometer.

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No pressure, but it's useless.

I bought shares in a battery company.

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They're just not fully charged yet.

I signed up to be a locksmith.

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It's a pretty key career move.

I bought a boat that leaks.

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Now I own stock in a sinking company.