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  • I told my in-laws dinner would be ready at six. It's now eight, and everyone's pretending that's fine.
  • My wife said marrying me was the best decision of her life. Then she added 'so far,' just to keep me humble.
  • I told my wife I'd take a bullet for her. She said she'd settle for me taking out the trash without being asked.
  • I'm not saying my wife controls the finances, but I have to ask permission to buy my own birthday present.
  • I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
  • My wife told me I have commitment issues. I told her I'd think about it.

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