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  • I told my wife I'd take a bullet for her. She said she'd settle for me taking out the trash without being asked.
  • I'm not saying my wife controls the finances, but I have to ask permission to buy my own birthday present.
  • I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
  • My wife told me I have commitment issues. I told her I'd think about it.
  • I told my wife I wanted to renew our vows. She said we should probably read the original ones first, since neither of us remembers them.
  • My wife said I should communicate my feelings more. So I texted her the entire history of my grievances, alphabetized.

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