Home Pun Jokes Puns are the purest form of dad joke — one word quietly doing two jobs at once, delivered with total confidence and no apology whatsoever. The groan you hear afterwards means it landed exactly as intended. Best read aloud to someone who deserves it.
126 pun jokes, free to read — tap any card to reveal the punchline.
Shuffle I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
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She looked surprised.
Why don't skeletons fight each other?
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They don't have the guts.
I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.
I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia.
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She whispered, 'They're right behind you.'
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
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I had to put my foot down.
I'm reading a book on anti-gravity.
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It's impossible to put down.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
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I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
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I don't know y.
I have a fear of speed bumps.
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But I'm slowly getting over it.
I used to have a job at a calendar factory.
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I got fired for taking a couple of days off.
I bought a ceiling fan and it changed my whole perspective.
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Literally, everything looks different now.
I got fired from the calculator factory for pressing my luck.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey. Then I turned myself around.
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That's what it's all about.
I'm on a whiskey diet.
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I've lost three days already.
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
I told my therapist I keep thinking about the past, present, and future.
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She said that's a tense situation.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
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A fsh.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went.
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Then it dawned on me.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille.
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Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
I ordered a chicken and an egg online.
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I'll let you know which one arrives first.
I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.
I was going to tell a chemistry joke, but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
I couldn't figure out how the lock on my bike was jammed.
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Then it clicked.
I told myself I'd stop talking to myself.
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We're still working through it together.
I'm on a seafood diet.
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I see food, and I eat it.
I have a joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.
I'm afraid of elevators, so I've been taking steps to avoid them.
I quit my job at the shoe recycling plant.
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It was sole-destroying.
I told my wife I was on a roll today.
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She reminded me I was talking about the bread.
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I couldn't find the time.
The math teacher called in sick.
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Turns out she had a lot of problems.
A book just fell on my head.
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I've only got myshelf to blame.
I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I got canned.
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I just couldn't concentrate.
I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places.
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He told me to stop going to those places.
I stayed at the hotel with no fourth floor.
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It really elevated my suspicions.
I tried to write a joke about paper.
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It was tearable.
I bought a new pair of running shoes.
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They're not helping, but at least I look prepared to leave problems behind.
I'm terrified of negative numbers.
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I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
I asked the librarian for books on failure.
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She said they never come back.
The rotation of Earth really makes my day.
I got a job at the shoe store.
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It's the sole provider in the family now.
Velcro.
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What a rip-off.
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar.
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It was tense.
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a personal trainer.
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I gave it up, I just didn't have the drive.
I don't trust stairs.
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They're always up to something.
I invented a new word today: plagiarism.
I signed up for a marathon on a whim.
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Turns out enthusiasm doesn't count as training.
Dentists call their work 'tooth hurty.'
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
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A gummy bear.
I started a book about time management.
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I keep meaning to finish it, but never seem to find the time.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda.
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Luckily it was a soft drink.
I got a job de-boning fish for a living.
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It's a lot of fillet work.
I got a job at the keyboard factory.
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Turns out I'm not the right type.
I have a joke about time travel, but you didn't like it.
I used to be a tailor.
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I was pretty good, but I just wasn't suited for it long-term.
I got fired from the unemployment office.
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They said I wasn't fit for the position, which felt ironic.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded the dough.
I asked my phone why it was so slow.
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It said it needed an update, same as me.
I used to be indecisive.
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Now I'm not so sure.
I'm reading a book on the history of glue.
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I just can't seem to put it down.
I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport.
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I just like a good kick about.
I got a job at the pool.
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I'm the deep end of the operation.
I tried to start a compost pile.
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It's been a real turnaround for my backyard's reputation.
I bought noise-cancelling earbuds for my commute.
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Now the only thing I can't cancel out is my own thoughts.
I got a job at the shoe polish factory.
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The pay isn't great, but I really shine there.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch.
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I call it lunch.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
I got a job as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it.
A skeleton walked into a bar and ordered a beer and a mop.
Two antennas got married.
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The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
I'm on good terms with 26 letters of the alphabet.
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I just don't understand why they all show up when I try to spell.
A grape stepped on by an elephant lets out a little wine.
I got the job at the calendar store, but I quit after realizing my days were numbered.
I heard the toilet paper factory closed.
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It's a real crisis, tissue by tissue.
I asked the waiter what the soup of the day was.
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He said it was Tuesday.
I quit my job at the helium factory.
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I refuse to be talked down to.
I'm not addicted to brake fluid.
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I can stop whenever I want.
I wanted to be a chef, but I couldn't cut the mustard, and honestly, my knife skills weren't much better with anything else either.
I invested in stocks.
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Mostly beef and chicken, but technically it counts.
The two silkworms had a race.
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It ended in a tie.
I used to be a professional fisherman, but the industry had too many fishy characters, so I left it alone.
The mountain climber finally gave up his career.
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He said it just wasn't a peak experience anymore.
I don't trust people who do puzzles.
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There's something missing about them.
I got fired from my job as a historian.
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Apparently I have no future in it.
I used to be a professional cyclist, but I couldn't handle the pedaling pressure.
My password needed a capital letter, a number, and a symbol.
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At this point it's less a password and more a small novel.
A cheese factory exploded in France.
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There was nothing left but de brie.
I asked the librarian for a quiet corner to work in.
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She pointed me toward the section nobody ever checks out.
I used to be a florist, but the business didn't grow the way I'd hoped.
I got a job as a tailor at a company that makes flags.
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Turns out I'm just not cut out for it.
I used to work at a stationery store, but it just wasn't my scene.
The vegetarian zombie only wanted to eat grains.
I got a job selling doors.
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Business is opening up nicely.
I used to work in the mattress industry, but it just wasn't my thing.
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I like a firm decision.
I have a fear of flat-pack furniture.
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It's called Ikea-phobia.
I quit my job as a GPS voice actor.
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I just kept getting lost in my own directions.
The optometrist said my vision was fine.
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I still can't find my glasses half the time, which raises questions.
I applied for a job at the shoe department.
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It's a good fit so far, at least sizewise.
My car insurance went up after one small fender bender.
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Apparently forgiveness has a price, and it's steep.
I used to be a piano tuner, but I couldn't find the right key for my career.
I'm reading a book about mazes.
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I got lost in it.
I got a job as a projectionist.
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I really screen well under pressure.
I got a job as a bricklayer.
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I really built a solid foundation for my career, mostly by accident.
Somebody stole my mood ring.
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I still don't know how I feel about it.
I named my two dogs Timex and Rolex.
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Watch dogs, both of them.
Time flies like an arrow.
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Fruit flies like a banana.
I'm on a seafood diet, which is a running joke in my family that has genuinely lasted three generations now.
A ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint.
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Both crews were marooned.
I got a discount at the calendar shop.
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My days were literally numbered, so it seemed fitting.
I got a discount on curtains.
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They were on sale, unlike my rods, which are apparently full price everywhere.
The car radio only picks up two stations now.
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One plays static, the other plays a talk show about static.
I have a joke about unemployed people, but it doesn't work.
A man walked into a bar with a slab of tarmac under his arm and asked for a pint.
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He said one for the road.
A termite walks into a bar and asks, is the bar tender here?
I bought a thesaurus. When I got home, all the pages were blank.
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I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I couldn't work out how locks worked, then it clicked.
I asked the pet store if they had any talking parrots.
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The clerk said no, but the parrot in the back cage disagreed loudly.
I used to be a baker.
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I kneaded the money, but I couldn't rise to the occasion long-term.
I told my friend ten jokes to make him laugh.
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Sadly, no pun in ten did.
I opened a small business selling origami.
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It folded within a year.
I bought a broken barometer.
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No pressure, but it's useless.
I bought shares in a battery company.
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They're just not fully charged yet.
I signed up to be a locksmith.
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It's a pretty key career move.
I bought a boat that leaks.
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Now I own stock in a sinking company.
